My dad isn’t the only father I care for- or that I love… I adopted a father of late….short period of time since meeting him but let me introduce you to my Roland!
Roland is a resident of the dementia unit at Bob Owens home…not sure whos reading this and if you know about dementia- but, well, in a nutshell the stuff on tv where they forget your name- forget the day- forget the last 5 minutes of a conversation….that’s it…
Roland lives with my daddy… in a dementia unit 5 minutes from my house.
Roland used to own a house there (it’s a mint village you can buy actual houses there etc) with his partner of 42 years…. 42 fucking years! This man lived and loved a man for longer than most “conventional” marriages… makes me hate the legal concept of marriage that used to be- cause god damn if you love a human that long you should get recognition legally and socially…
Two years ago his husband passed….what a killer to any our lives to lose a partner of that long… his partner was in the dementia unit first- he visited daily I hear. He passed…then Roland’s dementia started- he therefore entered the unit.
So…..Roland is an only child. No children. He’s got a few distant cousins who visit at times- he’s got cash -but who needs cash without the ability to go anywhere to spend it? Or for anyone to spend it on you?
We met Roland cause he was alert- dad is alert in the sense he isn’t looking at walls like some residents- he talks and is vibrant. The home introduced them on purpose cause of this. I recall walking up to Roland the first time I met him asking how he was. He was staring into the distance on an enclosed deck in the secure unit. He said “no, I’m not ok…I feel trapped”…my heart fell in love.
My dad and Roland became what’s has been discribed to us as a “gang”… they talk and hang constantly. When dad entered the unit he was lost- Roland gave him security…
They are versed of the concept of “fuck you fuckers” – they protect the staff from patients yelling- guess they are a little gang to that degree. They stay together and yell at patients who yell at staff. Unfortunately, they don’t get they too yell at staff- the disease is real and fucking heart breaking.
I met Roland’s partners cousin one day and asked if we could take him out when we go out… he was so happy to agree. I guess Roland may have been a burden at that point. For us- well, we are taking dad, what’s one more?
Why did I ask? It bothered me….who takes a man out when they have no one really? Occasional distant cousins are great but not regular. Who buys him clothes or checks his shoes fit? Who steals him sandwiches off the trolley cause he’s hungry? Who provides him chocolate for his room cause he loves chocolate?
Reality- When you have no one- then no one provides that… you age alone, unless someone loves enough to pick up the pieces at the end of this one life you get… and let’s be fucking clear these patients need a person to be there like a baby needs a parent to be there….they are lost.
Today I arrived… with whanau in tow. Dad auto hears me and knows I’m there and is out his chair. I love that. My dads memory knows little, but he can hear my voice in the distance or my laugh and he knows it’s me. I’m so fucking lucky about that right now.
Roland is sitting with him, of course- he’s shy, scared and nervous is how I would discribe him. Then he sees my face and he knows me. This man who can’t remember his home, day, time, or that he needs the toilet can see my face and stand to hug me. He says “I feel better you’re here”. I did something right…maybe?- he can see my face now and know me.
He’s covered in excrement- it’s up his back. I ask a nurse why? “How the fuck cunt… this is human-clean him for fucks sake” goes through my mind- they advise he apparently refusing to have his nappy changed and is really mad. Ok- I got this.
Walk over. “Roland!!!…babes… you need to get changed so we can go out- that cool?”…
“yes, ok”….mint- nurse takes him. I sort my dad.
Beautiful!! Something I do helps? They say he won’t allow it but I ask and it’s all good…Maybe I help… maybe not…who cares. He’s clean!
We go out for lunch. He eats with encouragement… we all walk to watch the kids jump off the peer in the sea…life is good….
I turn and he’s gone.
Fuck! Where is he!!!!!
I scan the crowd and see him a 100 metres away. His face is so scared. He has no idea where he is or who was with him by that look….I run, like fucking fast! For a bitch who doesn’t run- I ran!
I touch him and he turns and sees my face and hugs me immediately… I am his safety in that moment.
We hold hands and walk…..he sees dad and knows him. Dads fine he knows the family and is happily with them.
We carry on our day and go to their home- he can’t get in a vehicle without you putting his feet in. Or helping him out.
Back to the village- I play scrabble with my dad and he snoozes in the chair with us…
I go to leave… my dad hugs me hard… love my dad so fucking much I can’t say the words… his smile today is enough for me to feel great…. then I turn and my Roland hugs me hard too…two dads? Yep!!
Theres a millions voices out there and a million people you can help…but you can’t help them all in your life….
What I know is that when you find a person who just needs YOU to be a person in their world… be that person. Love where life needs love xx